...Who are your real friends?
You are rushing around in the market trying to get your shopping done as quickly as you can. And suddenly you come face to face with an acquaintance. (Let’s call this person an acquaintance for now.)
Imagine this. Scenario 1.
The person goes –
“Oh hi! So wonderful to see you here! How are you? I am so glad we met!”
You automatically smile, feel the warmth in the welcome. You spend a few minutes catching up, finish your shopping and go home with the memory of a happy moment.
Now imagine this. Scenario 2.
The person goes –
“Oh wow! Hi there! Where have you been? Don’t tell me you have moved back in here! What happened? What are you up to these days?” Initially you may not think much about this conversation. You exchange pleasantries, finish your shopping and go home. Much later, your mind does a double-take and you are wondering – what did she mean? What where the questions about? My well-being? Or wanting an update on my life? Or was I being judged?
Although the difference between the two scenarios may not be obvious but the they are actually very different. One voices genuine concern and the other negative curiosity. The first one is what I call “Checking-in” and the second one, “Checking-out”. Here is my take on why this can be a great way to figure out who your real friends are.
Checking-in
There is a certain authenticity, warmth and genuineness when someone “checks-in” with you. It comes from a place of concern and wishing well. More importantly there is no ulterior motive here. You automatically connect and share things with this person. For good reason most often, both you and this other person feel this way. This is the how you really make new friends too.
Strangely enough, this connect has nothing to do with how long you have known this person. It comes entirely from INTENT. When there is no agenda, the intent is very simple, pure and authentic. The intent is to build a relationship based on friendship and wanting the best for each other.
Checking-out
People who check-out always have an agenda, an ulterior motive. What can I get out of this? What’s in it for me? There is a definite negative vibe that makes you uncomfortable. No matter how sweet their words may be, their intent is something else altogether. It may be as simple as fishing for information or being blatantly inquisitive. It may be their nature to behave in an overtly judgmental manner. They feel better when they put others down. There is a need to do this because of their own insecurities. Here are some examples of “checking-out” comments.
- “Don’t tell me…" - These are judgmental comments such as don’t tell you got the job! Or don’t tell me you are driving!
- “You never told me….” -These are not really comments but more of a question – how or why did you not tell me this? There is an implied meaning – I need to be told!
- "What are you up to these days?" - This is about wanting an update. This indirectly implies that since you have not mentioned much, you may not have anything worthwhile going on with you! After this, you may also get an update on the “awesome stuff” they have been up to!
I am sure one can come up with many more examples but you get the gist.
When this kind of behavior is extreme, I term these people as the “vacuum” people. They suck the confidence, positivity and self-esteem right out of you! There is never a moment acknowledging your strengths. It is all about them! I am not sure how I can say this nicely but these kind of people should have no place in your life.
The Caveat
There is an important caveat to the point of view shared above. What a person says in a conversation is important but equally, if not even more, important is how it is said. The “tone” of speech could easily change the intent from checking-out to checking-in. At times it is even possible some comment from an old friend is just said in jest. We could give them the benefit of doubt. It is really about how YOU perceive it.
How does knowing this help me?
Simply being aware of the difference is a good starting point. One off comment can be ignored but if checking-out behavior is a pattern, then it needs to be dealt with. The question is – what can one do? Here’s what –
- Make a mental note if anyone behaves in this manner. Ask yourself, is this a random comment or a regular attitude. If it is the latter, then actively stay away from that person. This may be easier said than done but you are probably better off without this relationship.
- Accept that you cannot change the behavior of another person but you can change how you react.
- Another important awareness this bring home is, the question – How do my comments to others sound like? Am I checking-in or checking out? You now know which is the right thing to do.
- Surround yourself with positive folks who bring light and genuine warm vibes. You will automatically love and cherish yourself more.
Remember,
"Be proud of who you are and not ashamed of how others see you!"