In “Dear Zindagi” part 1, I wrote about how the movie has shone light on mental health awareness and why it is really important. The question then is - what do I do when I am down in the dumps and feeling miserable? Most often, this is what we do - talk to our BFF! Here is why this may not be a good idea.
Well-meaning but biased
In a sincere effort to do everything they can do for you, they may not be able to hold the non-judgmental space for you. They will probably not challenge your thinking or perceptions. They may even listen to your sob story and agree with everything you say. Is that what you need? You do need someone who will hear you out but once the venting is done with, you also may need to be able to figure out how to deal with such situations in the future – a long term solution.
Not equipped to deal with your situation
A vast majority of regular folks are not comfortable having a deeply personal conversation. This discomfort could be because they really don’t know what to say or not to say. You may be looking for answers they don’t have. It can get to the other extreme where they are ready to wage a war on your behalf. There is a possibility that this might actually make it worse for you, even end up jeopardizing your friendship. Questions like – How can you not agree with me? Whose side are you on? – undermine your relationship.
They may not even be actively listening
Complete and undivided attention is key to a meaningful conversation. But your friend may not even be fully listening because they are busy figuring out a solution for you or thinking – what should I say next? If you are not given a chance to be fully heard, then how is this working for you?
Offer advice, which you may not want
Very often first thing your friend would do is to give advice. That may come from a place of concern but the question is - Are you looking for someone else to come up with answers on your behalf? Your friend may also have an expectation that you take his/her advice and act accordingly - that is something else altogether!
Questions to ask
What is it that I need? A shoulder to cry on? To just vent and get it all out? Or am I wanting to change something at a deeper level. If it is the first case, feel free to find a good friend, tons of tissue and a big tub of ice-cream or go mood shopping. But if that is not the case, make an effort to find a professional. Do some research, ask for referrals and give it a try. The very first one may or may not work for you. Don’t give up. Find the one that does work.
Are there exceptions?
Now, if your BFF is a qualified psychologist, counselor or coach, you may have a point. But it is a very thin line. Setting very clear boundaries is paramount and that is not very easy to do. Is it possible though? In my opinion, it is. Give it a try but simply agree to call it quits if it is not working for either of you. Most professionals have a reliable network and referrals are not uncommon.
The character of Alia Bhatt in the movie has small group of close friends but she makes a choice to hire a “dimaag ka doctor”. Her friends were her comfort zone but her need was more than that. Our BFFs know us and accept us as the people we are – with all the quirks and imperfections. They have a special place in our hearts no one else can take.
That’s a beautiful thing to have!